Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I got the blues

I've sat here for quite a while with a blank page, not knowing what to write or where to start. My blog is a place for sharing sewing and crafting and having fun, making friends and not what I am about to use it for. But I just need to say something. If you are adverse to negative posts, then feel free to skip on me, I won't take it personally. I like a good moan now and again but this is a bit deeper than that.

The short of it is, I have depression, typing that is SO hard. I like a good dose of denial with my depression too. I have had far too many years practice of pretending in real life that I am happy, on top of everything, more than just coping 'I'm doing great'! Everyone seems too believe me, except my husband, he can always tell. It has dawned on me that I am great at putting across this front online too. Believe me I am a happy, bubbly, jokey sort of person, its just that I have this dark desperate side to me too that I battle with and don't really like to share, after all who wants a wet blanket around? I don't want this part of me, it is a nuisance and gets in the way of life...but I am learning that it IS part of me and I just have to live with it and find coping mechanisms.

I am really not sure why I am sharing this, perhaps because I am sat alone typing, it feels like I am telling no-one. I never do this in real life. I have alienated friends because they don't know what I am going through, I guess they think that when I shut myself away because I cant communicate that I am actually just being rude. All I can say is writing this sort of helps. I WANT to blog, I know I am always sewing (I swear I would be in a straight jacket if it were not for the sewing!) but I never get time to share it all with you. Life is busy, life is hard, not just for me I know. A lot of you have your own struggles to deal with. But I have made real friends here too, and I don't want to alienate them. I read your blog's everyday, some days I just can't comment as I don't have any words. Its torture for someone who talks so much and loves being busy to feel so bleak I cant talk or bothered to do anything.

I guess what I want to say is thanks for being there for me, all of you. even if you don't realise it you make a difference to me. I'm off to quietly sob into the soda bread I am supposed to be making. I've had some lovely post over the last couple of days and I'm hoping to come back and share it with you in a much lighter fashion soon!

46 comments:

nicolette at dutchcomfort said...

It’s my first time commenting on your blog after all the stalking fun for the Mouthy Stitches swap. I almost believe we have met for a reason because I have been suffering from depression as well and like you I’ve alienated friends. Don’t, please don’t. they are all out there to help you and not any friend would love to hear what you’ve been through after it’s all over. It will pass you know, really! I applaud you for venting this in a blog post. So many of us have blogs pretending life is a rode garden, but it isn’t always, is it?
Take care, dear Emily!

Liz DandeliondD said...

Oh, my darling friend {I sincerely hope that I can call you that, even though we haven't known each other for that long}. I can totally relate to where you are coming from and say a huge ditto to the sewing for my sanity bit especially. It is so often the case with creative people.
Please know that I am here for you, if you ever want to *talk*.
I hope and pray that this mist lifts quickly. xxxx

Trudi said...

Emily, don't ever feel you are alone Sweetie, you are not. There are more of us out here than you can imagine that share the same dark struggles, whether we choose to openly admit it, or sit in the dental field, I for one understand the dark cloud that can debilitate. Here to listen if you feel able to talk. Here to support you all the same. Like Nicolette say, it will pass, and you will be all the stronger and better able to recognise it and manage it next time round. Big hugs x

Betty said...

So good of you to have published this post!!
So good of the three ladies before me to comment: i know that every word they said is true.
I feel as dark as you (did) and I know it'll pass.
That doesn't make it easier though.
Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
Could be a new mantra? But I know that doesn't work.
You have been to see your GP? He(or she) can help you (and me!)

memmens said...

Well done brave lady. Let me know if you want to meet up, I'm around early next week if you fancy, we could just sew/eat cake and let the little ones run riot! Thinking of you. xx

Indianna said...

Oh Emily - this post must have been so hard to write. I'm here over the boarder - but available for cups of tea....even if it's in Trago....and I don't drink tea!

Kelly said...

You are never alone and shouldn't have to hide this side away. xx

Pam said...

It is so brave of you to write this and then publish, I have the " Blue Devils" frequently and luckily only occasionally do I get "The Black Dog" on my shoulders. I Carry on because it is a sink or swim scenario and I must be a swimmer. At times I long to sink but something drags me back to the surface. I can write no more, my thoughts are with you.

Sarah said...

Hi Emily.

I just wanted to say that I have tremendous respect for you for being open with us. I've not experienced depression myself but my husband and my cousin have and I've seen how people can turn away, either because they misinterpret the symptoms or because they are too embarrassed to deal with it. Unfortunately that is so often the response in the UK and I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that.
Thinking of you x

moira said...

such a brave post about something that touches many of our lives, either directly or indirectly. Everyone's experience is different though so it's doubly hard to be open I think as you risk the recipient assuming that they understand.

sending you a jolly big hug/thump on shoulder/friendly smile *delete as appropriate*

Lynz said...

Dude. I am not a sufferer of depression but I am poor at communicating negativity. My friends often comment how happy-go-lucky I always am. I am not. I just don't talk about when I'm down to anyone except my mum and my spouse and I'm not sure it's a very helpful way to be. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe I just want to say I respect you putting this post out there. And, yes, we are all of us never alone with our blog community.

Amys Crafty Shenanigans said...

Oh Emily - when I read your post I thought that it could have been me writing it. We are so similar - I too suffer from depression and often have blah feelings of not wanting to do anything or see anyone. You are not alone - you are strong and sewing makes you happy so go sew or call on one of us to chat to get it out - we are all here for you. Advice my late mother would tell me: "Buck up little trooper" - it was always such a ridiculous phrase that it would make me smile :)

Sarah said...

Big hug x

Di said...

Oh Emily I too have periods of depression and as the evenings get darker it gets worse. Isn't it interesting that there are a number of us who share the same symptoms. You are not alone so make sure that you share with a friend. It can help. Take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself. Thinking of you , my Bee buddy. Di x

Celtic Thistle said...

Hope you can feel all the warmth coming your way. Your blog is what you want it to be, so your really honest post is a great reflection of your self.

Isisjem said...

First off Yay for being brave enough to put this out there. Because you are not alone. I reckon if people are really really honest they have either suffered depression or anxiety in some form or maybe both. If people haven't they are either in deep denial or blessed with the ignorance to not know any difference. Just believe that the dark cloud over your head wrapping you in a thick foggy blanket that's making everything seem too much of an effort, will clear and when it does you will see the best kind of rainbows and appreciate every second of the happiness the sunshiny times. If you do want to natter you know where I am. If you don't that's fine too.

Tammy said...

Sending you big hugs. I desperately hate this time of year, (I am sure I suffer with SAD) but I am dragging myself and the boys out everyday to keep my vit d levels topped up. I would love to hibernate till April. Well done for speaking up, silence only feeds "it". Also whilst I am here well done on all your latest achievements/new jobs

Annabella said...

This is an amazingly brave post Emily. I feel for you so much. While I have only had bouts of mild depression, my family has been touched by it in the most awful way and so I would really urge you to see your doctor. You are an incredibly talented sewist and clearly a wonderful mother with a supportive husband. I hope you come through this as quickly as possible. Sending big hugs. xx

knittywittywoo said...

I'm new to your blog, only finding it yesterday and l am in awe at your beautiful projects.
I just wanted to send you ((( hugs ))), you are not alone in these feelings. I too use crafting to keep my sanity. Crafting is what l do and while we are creating such wonderful works of art something must be right.
If it gets too much though please do see your doctor as posted above.

Flying Blind... said...

Three cheers for you my friend - very brave, but as everyone above me has already commented, it is way more common than people let on.
I, on the other hand, am completely stand-offish and mardy 'on purpose'!

Catherine said...

Well done on writing this Emily. Everyone above me has said everything there is to say already and I applaud them all. And as they have already said, remember that the blogging community is like a great big hug, just waiting to happen x

Cherie said...

Such a brave post! It's so hard to admit to something like that. I remember when I told my family how bad mine was. Crafting has been one major thing that has kept me sane through it. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me!

Jenelle said...

I can relate Emily. It's really not easy to cope with daily life when you are feeling so low. I have had bouts of depression off and on since my teens. One small thing that has helped me tremendously is working with my doctor to get the right supplements into my diet. Plenty of vitamin D and B vitamins really does help my mood a lot, especially as the days get shorter. Take extra care of yourself!

Gertie Pye said...

Talking about this is good for you and good for other people too. 30 years ago people were embarrassed to talk about cancer but campaigns have completely changed that and it is no longer a public taboo. I hope that the same can be said about depression in the future as it is still one of those things that many people aren't comfortable talking about.

I don't think there will ever be one happy pill you can pop to make depression go away but as you say, there are coping mechanisms that make it possible to muddle through the tough times. I hope you and your family find out what works for you and that you have more ups than downs.

And please don't feel alone because this is one of the wonders of the modern age - you don't have to be isolated unless you want to be, as there are lots of us out here who enjoy hearing about what you are up to. I love your blog and please don't feel you have to wear a plastic smile if you are not feeling smiley. Sewing is therapy (for quite a lot of us, I expect!) and sharing your beautiful makes spreads the happiness x

Charlotte said...

xxx
I am emailing you

Fiona @ Poppy Makes said...

Big Hug Emily x

Cindy said...

I know it's weird starting a friendship online and that folks outside of our bloggy circle will never believe bloggy friendships are real friendships. But I completely consider you my friend. I care very much about your health and happiness. We are all here for you when you need us. When you need quiet time, take it. We will be happy to see you pop back up when you have something to share. Until then, please let me know if I can do anything for you. Take good care of yourself.
xx

mammafairy said...

Sweetheart, you are not alone, as you can see from the responses! I think a lot of us do a very good 'swan', all serene and happy to the outside world, and underneath frantic action and turmoil!
I have to keep a happy, calm and serene front for my daily work, and my family and close friends get the brunt of the other side!

It is hard, but keep going, because, eventually, light has to creep in!

And we will see you at the FQR next year! Tea ahoy!

Amanda said...

First of all I am sending you a big huge (((((hug)))).

I too have suffered from depression for most of my life and it stinks. But you know what? The most intelligent sensitive and creative people suffer from this horrible illness precisely because we are sensitive and clever souls.

Always here for you, Amanda xxx

pennydog said...

Not quite sure what to say but we will be waiting for you when you've come back with your pretty mail- and if writing helps you should do it!

Sarah said...

Well done for sharing. I have battled anxiety at different times over the past 10 years, with which comes depression. It happens to the best of us, or 1 in 5 of us here in Australia. If you haven't already, please see a doctor. I know how it feels weak and a failure to take medication, but shit it works! It lifts the mood to a point where you can function normally and then are better equipped to deal with the underlying things. I hope you feel less clouded soon! My thoughts are with you, Sarah. sarahleighATinternodeDOTonDOTnet

Run Quilt Knit Write said...

Emily I totally get where you are coming from - it was brave to share, but I think all the positive comments will give you strength. It's OK to be how we really are, good and bad, black and white. I'm not depressive, but I struggle terribly with my relationship with one of my daughters and her aggression and delinquent behavior. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all try our hardest and you know, it's OK not to be perfect. Take care happy smily girl. You're right, by the way, from the outside no-one would ever guess!

Nicky said...

Emily Big hugs to you and you can see just how many people really care about you so you are not alone even if you cannot say anything!

I think you are a fabulous person and a talented creative one too! We all love you and are there for you as you would be for us! Hope the bad feelings pass and I think you have helped lots of people with this honest open-hearted post - well done!

Nicky said...

Emily Big hugs to you and you can see just how many people really care about you so you are not alone even if you cannot say anything!

I think you are a fabulous person and a talented creative one too! We all love you and are there for you as you would be for us! Hope the bad feelings pass and I think you have helped lots of people with this honest open-hearted post - well done!

Deborah said...

Thank you for sharing this. It helps those of us who suffer from depression to not feel all alone. Sewing helps to keep me on an even keel but sometimes even that is not enough. Take care of yourself. You are lovely and your work is lovely.

Susan Standen said...

Oh Emily, I feel for you. I sat in the car today driving back down from Newcastle trying not to cry because I lost the plot with the girls last night, feel like the world's greatest failure of a mother and know that I am not in a good place. But people like you and I, we just keep going. Because that is what we do and what is expected. You are very right, it doesn't mean every moment is grey but there are grey moments there and it is okay to talk about it. Life is hard, and it is also rewarding, full of personal treasures and lights at the end of the tunnel. Just some days/weeks/months suck. Hope that all the online support is helping and please know that people understand. You are not alone in that you can talk to me and many others, and you are not alone in that some of us feel like this too.

Katy Cameron said...

(((((HUGS))))) Some of us are just antisocial cows and get forgiven everything, don't worry about not keeping up ;o)

Diary of a Flutter.Kat said...

Sending you love & support from Aussie!!
We are all here for you sweetie sending you love, light & hope.
I've been where you are and all I can say is Im glad you're seeking help. Councillor doctor or whatever you need push yourself to find it, because there is no merit or health in suffering by yourself.
Go you for being brave enough to share.
Hugs Kat xx

Judi said...

Hi there

I've only just found your blog, and when I read this post I felt so much pain for you. The good news is that it CAN be overcome! I have suffered from depression since I was 22, I'm now 53, and still suffer, but I've realised that despite other people telling me to 'pull myself together' in the early years, and my (now) husband hating the idea of me taking tablets to keep me on an even keel, it's the ONLY way for me to cope. As I said, I'm now 53, have a SEVERE back problem which keeps me in bed a lot (stitching patchwork while I'm there), I finally accepted that taking one little tablet every day, and living a wonderful, happy life, is far better than struggling without them. So, if you haven't already seen a doctor about this, do it! NOW! And if you can't bring yourself to talk to the doctor take your husband with you, and get him to tell the story, but please, PLEASE, get some help, it CAN be done!

HUGE hugs

Judi in the UK xx

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Judith, Belfast said...

Hey Em, only reading this post today! Thank you for your honesty and reality in what often seems an artificial world. I have journeyed depression too, like so many others. I am free from it, but am alert to the tell tales signs of it trying to sneak back in!! Good management is key, esp. looking after yourself. You already know what to do. Peaks and troughs are part and parcel. Keep going friend. A brighter day is just around the corner. Jxo